Wednesday, August 29, 2001

Why do I get as irritated as I do?

That will be today's subject - I should have written several times since the last time I wrote, but the night I did sit here and let my heart bleed through the keyboard, I hit post and publish and then my blog was LOST! I was so pissed, it took me until now to find the energy to do it all again. Of course, one of the best things I have ever written is gone - gone - gone. Fuck is what I have to say about that!

So, Stephen got on me again about getting a job - in fact, we had a humdinger of a fight - and although the fight did not start about that - it sure did cover that base. I feel like a big loser - I am terrified of getting a job - and don't feel that I am able to gain employment the way I am. I am a wreck, I can't sleep at night, but I sure do well at napping - It seems that I never sleep anymore, I mearly nap - short intervals of sleep - coming from about 3 AM - 10 AM - and then from about 2PM - 5PM I nap yet again. LOSER!

Who the hell is going to hire someone that can't stay awake for 8 whole hours. NO One, that's who.

Stephen HATES that I do phone sex. He hates me because of it. He has called me a whore, and lazy and rubbed in my face that I never leave the house - I would probably hate me if I was him too.

I feel like I am going to explode though. He has done nothing but drive me fucking insane for the past week. It seems as if he is always up my ass - he has NO LIFE of his own, yet from his sad mind, he thinks that the reason he has no life is because I WON'T Let him have a life. He thinks he is being controled by me and can not do anything of his own free will - but the funny thing is - I want him to go and do things on his own - Leave me alone for God's sake - Why do I always have to decide what we are going to do? Why do I always have to decide if we are going to do something? He can't make a decision to save his live! And when I need, him, when I REALLY need him to be there for me, he looks at me like a lost child.

Last night, we went to see Dralion - by Cirque Du Soile - the show was so fun! Before the show, I was distessed. I needed to sit down, and he just stands there staring at me - I mean, honestly there was not a whole hell of a lot he could have done to fix the situation, but his solution of "lets walk all the way back to the car so you can sit until the gates open" was in my opinion a dumb suggestion. I was insulted and horrifed. I feel like this person that I have spent the last 3 years of my life was doesn't have a fucking clue as to who I am. I get out of breath and winded, or I need to sit, and he gives me this look - like he just doesn't know what to do with me.

It hurts to be honest.

As far as what he does in his free time, I am at a point where I want to fucking scream! It's funny - my mother said today (while she was trimming the hedges out front) "We need a man around here" - and of course my first thought was - we have a man around here, but HE DOES NOTHING - and If I ever called him on that, he would throw a fit and tell me that he does tons of stuff - Like what? His laundry? My mother takes out the trash EVERY WEEK - he never offers to help her with her groceries if he SEES her coming in the house struggling - I clean the pool, I clean the fish pond, my mother cleans the patio, he does nothing. I wish he did SOMETHING! I mean, I know he is the only one in this house that LEAVES the house to go to work, but still, so do a million other guys in this world and they manage to do SOME man chores.

I need to vent so fucking bad. I am so stressed about this. Lord knows I can not talk to Stephen about anything I think about! I think that is what pisses me off more than anything else, that I can not talk to my husband.

I relaly can't.

He only gets mad, and on the VERY rare occasion that I do say something to him and he doesnt' get mad, he gets all sulkie and says he will do better and change. He never does.


I can't wait till our next therapy session. Not that it will do any good or anything.


Sunday, August 12, 2001

So, the weekend is nearly over, and I am sitting here on Sunday morning, putting off taking a shower. Stephen and planned to go on a "day trip" today, and I hate when he does that. We aimlessly drive around - "what do you want to do, I don't know what do YOU, what to do, It doesnt' matter, whatever you want to do, NO REALLY, whatever you want to do" - It always ends in food. I didn't sleep well last night despite taking my pill - oh well, I knew it was too good to last.

Yesterday Michelle and Mike came over to hang by the pool and do a cookout thing - it was fun - I had a really good time. Stephen and MIke did some raft wrestleing and Mike kicked Stephen's ass - it was excellant! Michelle took pictures on Mikes digital camera, so I hope to get some soon! It was funny!

I have been noticing that as of late, I have much more energy. I have been cleaning a bit more, and doing stuff around the yard and pool, and I like the way it makes me feel. Productive. I have not felt like that in a long time. Maybe it is the fact that I have been getting more restful sleep with the pills, and I actually have energy during the day now! I feel good when I get things done. Even though I don't do 100% of everything I want to do, it's still nice to have a sense of accomplishment.

Maybe I am not the biggest loser in the world. Well, maybe I am. I don't know. Feeling a little high on myself now.

I got another letter from Mike yesterday. It was quite a bit different from the one I got Monday. He was very sexual in his response to my letter to him - it was great - I think he might actually still want me - not that I would do anything, but it is nice to know that someone (other than your husband) thinks you are hot. Does that makes sense? I would like to see him - just to see him, but I think that is about it. Therapy with Stephen has really made me feel the passionate love for him again that I thought was lost. I have never stopped loving stephen, but the passion had left us. I feel like it is coming back - slowly but surely. So I think that is good.

I have to go take a shower and get ready for this day trip that is going to suck because Stephen is rain-phobic - I don't know what the fuck is wrong with him, but hey, who am I to judge. I like the rain, and I don't understand people who fear it the way Stephen does. It's kinda whacked. Oh well.


Thursday, August 09, 2001

I have not posted in the past few days - sorry.

I have been taking the sleeping pills and they are actualluy working! It's amazing that I can actually sleep!!! I feel a bit more focused since I HAVE been sleeping!

So, here's the scoop on my cancer - suprisingly, we still don't know anything! Nodes are the same size and they found an area on my ass that looked questionable, until I realized that my ass was really hurt after the surgery from what ever device they used to hoist my hugeness on to my side for the operation! Oh AND I got weighed. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but not as great as where I was 6 months ago. Oh well, got to work on that.

I am so fucking obcessive, I make myself sick.

Stephen and I had a great night in the pool - we fucked around a bit - he did me up the butt - we have not gone down that road in a long time, but it just sorta happened, and it didn't hurt considering I had flames and blood shooting out my ass Monday and Tuesday and even a little bit this AM -

It was hot as HELL today - but I cleaned the fish pond out and did some other stuff outside. I thought my mother was going to have a stroke! She kept telling me that the air quality was bad and that I could drop dead just from being outside! I swear, she will be the death of me.

NAAFA meeting tomorrow night, I dred it. Michelle will NOT be there (no one to play with) and I do not support anything Stephen is doing as acting chair. I think the AOFO is going to suck wind and I don't even think we should have one. There I said it. HA

Sunday, August 05, 2001

Well, I went to see that bitch, and she gave me some sleeping pills - I took one last night and I actually slept!!!! It was amazing! I slept all night, no tossing, no turning, and when I woke up I was refreshed and felt alive!!!

I have a rash under my arm pits - it is driving me crazy - I am pretty sure it is from this new soap I got - all natural - with almonds and crap in it - well, my arm pits look like I have the chicken pox! And it hurts and itches too!

I have my CT scan tomorrow. Stephen wished me luck before he went downstairs tonight. I don't get that. What is luck going to do with this? If I still have cancer is luck going to make it go away? I don't know. I have PMS.

Nothing else to report.

Saturday, August 04, 2001

I was so excited that I actually slept last night (Thursday night) - I went to bed, and the next thing I knew it was morning. I thought because I journaled, got a lot off my chest, that I was freed off the burdon of mental anquish that kept me from my slumber - alas, I was wrong. It is 4:34 AM - I went to bed before midnight, I slept and I woke at about 3:00. Tossing, turning, tossing turning. I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep. I wonder how many times I have said that both aloud and in my head - I keep repeating it. I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep. I am sooo thirsty. Ate too much sugar yesterday I guess - had some Ice cream last night. I cant sleep, I can't sleep. I have to see my shrink today. I hate her - I have decided that she is a loser. Who the fuck would WANT to see patients on a Saturday afternoon in the middle of the summer. She must have NO fucking life. I don't care how dedicated a doctor you are - do a few hours in the morning, but you don't waste your whole Saturday with mental patients - I think that basically makes her a mental patient! I am going to tell her that! Michelle said once I have my perscriptions in hand, I should just say, hey, Lady, you suck, you are a looser, and your mother dresses you funny - well, actually, I think she takes care of dressing herself funny! I hate her. I can't sleep.

We saw Planet of the Apes last night. I didn't get the ending. I am retarded.

I still obcess about dying - last night when I was sitting in Pep Boys parking lot waiting for Stephen to come out with some car part he needed, I was facing Rt. 1 and it was very busy. I kept imagining myself getting out of the car, and walking straight onto Rt. 1 and just waiting to get hit. 2 things stopped me. 1.) I thought it might be just too much of a walk and I would get winded by the time I got to the road and I would need to sit down - and of course there would be no where to sit - and 2.) I thought that perhaps I WOULD get hit and wouldn't die.....just be mamed - that would suck. Paralysed or something - so, I just sat there and continued my fantasy. I do that a lot. I often am sitting in the car waiting for Stephen as God forbid I should actually go in someplace with him I am such a loser - and I think, what if I just got out of the car and wandered away and no one ever saw me again - I'd be like one of those Molly Bish or Shandra Levy people - but perhaps no one would care, I am not young and cute. I probably wouldn't even make the fucking news. Fat woman dissappears - story at 11 - who would watch. People would make jokes - they would call up the police station with information and it would all be a joke, they would say, 'yeah, hello, Police? I saw that missing fat woman, she was at McDonalds or Burger King, or Pizza Hut' the police would laugh, they would laugh, everyone would laugh.

I can't sleep. I am going in the pool now. Maybe I will drown.

Thursday, August 02, 2001

I found out that Stephen also has done some stuff to Michelle and Cindy - nothing like what he did to Denise, but nevertheless, I am embarrassed and ashamed. Of course Michelle and Cindy are not on a seek and destroy mission like Denise apparently is, but still, it has been very hard for me over the past several days to really get "past" what has happened.

Stephen has apologied to me endlessly and has written apology emails to my friends - all but Denise - he is not able to do that yet - I hope in time he will - not that it will matter, she is very angry and I don't think she is willing to forgive him. He swears up and down that he was kidding around - and with Michelle and Cindy I really do believe him - I really do - but with Denise, it is harder, because she is so angry and has told me things SO differently than the way Stephen told me the same story. Of course I want to believe my husband, but there is this little piece inside of me that has this lump the size of a mini-van that just won't go away.

I have not been able to sleep (at night anyway) since Sunday. I lay there and I think horrible things. I think about Stephen ACTUALLY touching Denise and her feet and I feel like I am going to throw up. I did vomit on Monday even though I didn't eat anything all day.

When I think about these horrible things, they are not just about Stephen - actually, he and I have been doing so well through this - and we didn't explode at each other - I think the therapy has really helped us learn to communicate better. We are getting along great - except for the sickness that I can not shake. I think about every horrible thing I have ever did and how it affected my life. I think back to the earliest horror and the day I stole a candy bar from CVS downtown Norwood. I got caught, and I was told I could NEVER go into ANY CVS again as long as I lived - I was 12 at the time, and I think the next time I went to a CVS was when I was 21 or so. That is the feeling I have when I lay in bed and try to sleep. I think about horrible horrible things I have done. I broke a chair once while I was baby sitting with my friend Jane Corrigan when we were like 12 or 13 and we tried to pretend like nothing was wrong, but the people knew and they called Jane's mother and I got in big trouble and my mother had to pay for the chair - funny, it was a fat related chair breaking - it was a we were rough housing and I was running and slammed the chair into the wall. I didn't mean to do it, but I was sick for like a month because I felt so bad. I wonder how long I am going to be sick over this? I remember when I was in high school and skipped and always was afraid I was going to get caught - that won't go away - I lay there and think of the horrible things I have done - How there were times in my life when I was sexually inappropriate with people - and I probably made them feel uncomfortable - I think that is what runs through my mind the most - that day with Grieco and Ben - mother of God - I never should have done what I did. I think about that a lot and think that I am some sort of monster - that I will go to hell. Then of course I think about the things I have done recently regarding Stephen and how I was the one in the hot spot - he found the personal ad I placed - looking for other men - I was basically inocent, but I still feel bad about it. He found that I had sent some naked pictures to some guy from one of my hidden email accounts - what would I have done if that were him doing those things? I am a bad person. I am a terrible person. I don't deserve any goodness in my life. I always think something really bad is going to happen - and now it has - I ams supposed to get over this and move on, but I am stuck in a holding pattern of nausea.

Monday I thought that I should just kill myself - then I relized I was out of my medication - the good stuff that I COULD use to end it all! Man, what a week to run out of your fucking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. I feel like I am going nuts. I feel like such a loser. I feel like such a failure as a wife, a friend, a daughter.

Everything I have done in my life has been selfish and I have ruined my mother's life because of my selfishness. I am a complete failure at the age of 34 - I have not future - I am stupid, I am unemployable - other than the fucking phone sex which I am beginning to HATE with a passion. I just want my husband to want to have sex with me, but he is disgusted by what I do - he can't even get turned on really with me any more. I am lonley and scared and on the brink of a breakdown.

I am nervous about finding out about my lymph nodes next week. I don't really give a fuck to be honest - I don't want to know. If I need treatment, I am not going to take it. I want to die. I don't want anyone to go to the doctor with me on Wednesday because if they tell me that the nodes are still enlarged or even larger and I have to have the interluken II stuff, I don't want anyone to know that I refused it. Let it spread. I don't care. I have been having a lot of pain in my incision area the past 3 weeks or so and the other night terrible pain where my kidney used to be - when I pee'd I was bleeding from somewhere...not my ass that's all I know. I don't have my period, not due till next wednesday. Sharp pains in my lower back, left side, then I bleed. I don't know. It only lasted a day. I don't care. Let me die.

Sunday, July 29, 2001

I am openly horrified and so upset right now.

Apparently my husband had gone too far with one of my friends and I fear my relationship with Denise may be over for ever. It has been brought to my attention - by Stephen and then confirmed by Denise that over the past 2 years on 4 seperate occasions Stephen has been inappropriate with Denise and talking about her feet and wanting to touch them and telling her that her feet make him hard. I guess he did this yesterday at the party and that is why Denise left feeling "uncomfortable".

Stephen told me this tonight as Denise sent him Email stating that she was going to tell me everything - so of course he had to tell me first - and of course she told me a lot more than he did. She went so far as to say that while I was in the hospital having my Kidney removed he was online one night and BEGGED her if he could come over to touch her feet. He assured me tonight that although he admits to doing all this, he was teasing and kidding around. That he NEVER wanted to really do anything with Denise or her feet for that matter, but Denise is really upset. She told me tonight that is the reason she backed out of being my Maid of Honor. Denise kept the IM conversation between her and Stephen and she is going to send it to me. She also told me that Stephen made no secret that his sex life at home was non-existant and he was really horny.

I just am heartbroken.

I want to believe both of them - I mean, Denise swears up and down she did nothing to come on to Stephen - and I want to believe her - and Stephen assures me he was just teasing her and being flirtatious - I want to believe him. When I talked to Denise on the phone, I said that perhaps it was just two people seeing the same situation differently. Maybe Stephen was just joking and maybe she just didnt' see it that way. I don't know.

I am so confused right now.

I love Stephen and obviously I am not going to end our marraige because of this, but I feel like there is work to do with his honestly level with me.

I have made mistakes too - no doubt about it, and we have been able to move past things, but I never did anything close to home - my online flirty behaviour was with strangers, not close friends.

I am so upset right now. What am I going to do? I thought things between us were getting better, and maybe they are, but why would he have done that yesterday?

I really just want to run away and never come back. I really love Stephen - I really do. I want to trust him, but I feel so betrayed. I just want to cry.